Thursday, October 28, 2010

30 Days of Truth - Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for

I have two things that I need to forgive myself for. One is much more serious that the other.

First, I have to forgive myself for not saying good-bye to my Great-Grandmother the last time I saw her before she died. I was seven. I don't think I fully understood the total gravity of the situation. How could I? I was seven! But every time I think about her, I regret not saying good bye.

It's like my seven year old self is inside me telling me that I knew that I should have but I didn't want to. I can't let it go. There is obviously nothing that 23 year old me can do about it now. I've tried on numerous occasions to say good bye, through prayer, through thinking about her, through writing about it. Family is very important to me and I feel that I knew that back then, but I didn't know that I would soon be losing a family member. This has been difficult to deal with, and I don't like that I am struck with guilt every time I think about her. I really bothers me, and I know I need to let it go.

The second thing I need to forgive myself for is not as sad. I need to forgive myself for not realizing sooner that Athletic Training was not the career for me. Not that I know any better now that I am a theatre major what I am going to do with my life, which freaks me out (I'm so type A it scares me sometimes). But I need to stop thinking about the fact that I could have graduated much sooner had I not spent three years pursuing Athletic Training after I transferred to Central from Ferris. I could have graduated and probably had, or be close to, a Masters by now if I hadn't spent so much time on it.

I wish that I had figured it out sooner, but there is nothing that can replace the knowledge I gained about myself and about athletic training. I just have to remember that I met some great people while on that path. One of my best friends in the world who stood up with me at my wedding I met because we were pursuing athletic training. And I wouldn't trade that for anything.

Forgiveness is divine, and what could be more divine than forgiving yourself for past mistakes?


Aubrey LeeAnn said...

I absolutely understand what you are saying in this post. While it doesn't equate perfectly, I need to forgive myself for not spending more time with my dog before we put her down earlier this month. It was a rushed trip home, I was stressed, and so I didn't really say goodbye like I wanted to. And, I have a 5 year degree in science education that I don't think I will ever use. I had a vague idea that it wasn't for me for the last few years, but it took a student teaching semester from hell to convince me. Now, I have debt and not much of an idea of what I am supposed to be doing with my life. It's fun. :)

Jenny said...

@Aubrey LeeAnn It's always hard, even without us giving ourselves guilt... :(

And if we can be happy in life, even if we don't know what we're going to be when we grow up, that's all we can ask :D

Katri said...

Ooh I get this! I studied English at uni for three years, and had I spent that time studying nursing I'd be graduating this December, or a year later if I'd been studying midwifery. And still, I know I wouldn't have been accepted to those schools straight out of high school because my personality hadn't quite developed where it is now and I was way too reserved and everything, but sometimes I wish I'd been doing something at least somewhat related!